


incorrect

by sepulchreofsongs



Series: worth a damn [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Abuse, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mention Of Homophobia, eating disorder mention, familial abuse probably, there's a small suicide mention at the end but it's not a bad one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-21 23:32:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6062224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sepulchreofsongs/pseuds/sepulchreofsongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi gently turns Oikawa over so they’re facing each other.  He brushes a lock of brown hair out of the other’s eyes and moves his hand to the side of his face.</p><p>“Oikawa, you know I’m here for you.” Iwaizumi’s dark eyes are searching his face, darting to each feature.  His thumb moves reassuringly on his cheekbone.</p><p>“I know.”  He knows, and he wished it was that easy.  He wished he could feel sparks from Iwa-chan’s touch.  He wants to, the sentiment is there, and he knows that if he wasn’t so god damn depressed he would.  He’s been in love with him for so long the thought threatens to swallow him whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	incorrect

**Author's Note:**

> There's now a sequel to this! It's called  "a fighting chance." 

 

 

 

> "you can't love someone unless you love yourself first" bullshit
> 
> i have never loved myself.
> 
> but you
> 
> oh god, i loved you so much i forgot what hating myself felt like.
> 
> -[constant-nxthing](http://constant-nxthing.tumblr.com/post/102251066803/you-cant-love-someone-unless-you-love-yourself)
> 
>  
> 
>  

_Blank blank blank blank.  Nothing nothing nothing nothing.  Blank face blank eyes.  Nothing there, feeling nothing.  You are nothing._

There’s a sharp knock on the door that almost shocks Oikawa into sitting upright, or it would have if his senses weren’t so dull. 

It was a bad day.  A bad time, really, a few months now, but today was particularly bad.  One of those days where he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything, to feel anything.  He was just left numb, only a dull ache reminiscent of emotion in his chest.

During better days, he’s frustrated with his mental state.  He takes that frustration out on volleyball, thinking that if he gets better, if he can do better, he’ll feel better.  He knows in his gut that’s not how it works, though, and that might just make him more upset.

Days like these, he feels nothing.  He lays in bed until his mother texts to remind him to start dinner, or until he knows instinctively she’s on her way home.  He’d rush to shower, brush his teeth, pretend he was normal.  He could almost believe it too.

The door opens wide, too easily to be his mother, too brave to be his father.  Iwaizumi was there, legs firm and hand on his hip.  Oikawa thought maybe a beat of relief bounced into his lungs, quickly followed by tension.  He tried not to let Iwa-chan see him like this.

“What’re you doing, Shittykawa?” Iwaizumi cocks his head a little, eyebrows furrowed.  “Are you sick or something?  You were supposed to come over and study.  You didn’t even text me.”

“I- sorry, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa doesn’t know whether to burrow further into his comforter or sit up.  He does neither, just stays still.

Iwaizumi’s frown deepens and he moves further into the room.  “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Oikawa chooses to sit up.  He swung he legs over the side of mattress- they feel heavy like lead.  “Just tired.”

“You overwork yourself…” Iwa-chan was staring intensely at him, trying to find a crack in Tooru’s armor.  “Want me to stay?”

Oikawa opens his mouth, tongue sticking to the roof for a moment.

_Alone alone alone alone._

He shakes his head to scatter the hollow thoughts.  “Please.” The word leaves his mouth in an almost sob, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, but it’s the most real thing he’s said all day.

Iwaizumi wordlessly walks into the room, closes the door behind him, and drops his book bag on the floor.  He sits next to Oikawa on the bed and wraps his arms around him, like he did so many times when they were kids.  Oikawa shakes, trembles at the comfortable gesture, leaning into Iwa-chan’s arms.  Silent tears are falling, but Iwaizumi doesn’t say a word.

Eventually they’re both lying on the bed, Iwaizumi just holding his best friend.  He almost thinks Oikawa is asleep since they haven’t either said a word for half an hour now.

“Iwa-chan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”  It’s quiet, vulnerable.

“Oikawa…” Iwaizumi pauses.  “This isn’t exhaustion… is this like before?”

Tooru doesn’t say a word because he knows exactly what Iwaizumi is talking about. 

In middle school, when Kageyama’s existence tortured him every moment of every day, stretched him thin and ragged, made him practice too much, stay up late.  He’d been numb then too, but it had been tinted with desperation, and it made him do shit that wasn’t _him._   He’d eventually suffered a mental breakdown, had to stay in the hospital for a few days to rest, calm down, and be put on pills, though he’d stopped them a year ago.

He’d never seen Iwaizumi so scared as he was in that hospital room.  Iwaizumi was worried, blamed himself for not helping Oikawa more. 

Oikawa didn’t have the heart to tell him that the breakdown would have happened sooner if not for Iwa-chan acting as his pillar.

So many words drift inside Oikawa’s throat, tickling his lips.  He bites one of them, chapped and teeth-dented. 

“It’s not like before.” 

_Worse worse worse worse._

Iwaizumi gently turns Oikawa over so they’re facing each other.  He brushes a lock of brown hair out of the other’s eyes and moves his hand to the side of his face.

“Oikawa, you know I’m here for you.” Iwaizumi’s dark eyes are searching his face, darting to each feature.  His thumb moves reassuringly on his cheekbone.

“I know.”  He knows, and he wished it was that easy.  He wished he could feel sparks from Iwa-chan’s touch.  He wants to, the sentiment is there, and he knows that if he wasn’t so god damn depressed he would.  He’s been in love with him for so long the thought threatens to swallow him whole.

Iwa-chan sighs, there’s a moment of silence.  “I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while, but I love you.”  There’s a pause.  “Poor timing, probably, but I mean it.  I love you and want you to let me help you.”

Oikawa tilts his head into Iwaizumi’s touch and sobs.  Ugly tears are flooding his skin, and he feels Iwa-chan try to wipe them away.  This is all he has ever wanted, his best friend confessing, honestly, he’s dreamt of it.  But in this state Oikawa barely feels anything in response to it, just guilt.  Self-loathing fills his gut, that he can’t even form a decent, appropriate emotional response.

It’s another minute before Oikawa replies, voice soft and raspy from crying.  “I love you too, Iwa-chan- for a long time.  But I’m not worthy of you right now.  I don’t even love- don’t even like myself, how could anyone else love m-“

He’s cut off by Iwaizumi’s touch on his face turning into a grip and his body moving closer, until their foreheads are touching, soft but grounding.

“Don’t.” Oikawa closes his eyes as more silent tears fall, and Iwaizumi keeps talking, his tone steel.  “Even if you don’t love yourself, let me love you.  Let me show you how amazing you are.  Whatever this is, Oikawa, you don’t need to go through it alone.  I’ll always be here.”

Oikawa wraps his arms around Iwaizumi and borrows his strength for a bit, until he falls asleep, the way he hasn’t in weeks.

* * *

When he wakes up, Iwaizumi- thank god- is still there.  He’s playing with Oikawa’s swooping hairs with one hand, stroking his arm with the other.  He wants to stay here forever, but Iwa-chan notices his shift in breathing.

“You awake, Oikawa?”

Oikawa just nods against his chest, not trusting his raw throat right now.

“What time is your mom coming home?”

Oikawa freezes and turns away, scrambling for his phone on the night stand.

_I’ll be at the office late.  Your father is still in Tokyo.  Don’t make me anything.  Do your homework._

Oikawa sighs loudly in relief, lying on his back and pressing his phone to his chest.  Iwaizumi is leaning on his side, arm and elbow propping his head.  “Late?”

“Yeah.” A hint of a smile appears on Oikawa’s lips.

“Okay.” Iwaizumi sits up and starts to shift out of the bed and Oikawa feels terror jolt through him. 

_Don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave._

“I’m going to make you dinner.  Is that okay?” Iwaizumi stretches his arms upwards at the foot of the bed. 

Oikawa isn’t particularly hungry, he can’t remember the last time he was, but he nods anyway, just glad Iwa-chan isn’t leaving him.  Tears are prickling again.

Iwaizumi knows exactly where everything is in the Oikawa house, but Tooru gets up anyway, follows him to the kitchen and sits on a stool at the kitchen island.  He asks multiple times if Iwa-chan wants help, but Iwaizumi refuses and Oikawa pouts, chin in his hands.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and sighs.  “Let me be nice, okay?”

“Iwa-chan being nice?” Oikawa’s eyes are wide and there’s a smile hesitant on his lips.  “Are you sure you’re not an alien in Iwa-chan’s body?”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Iwaizumi flashes a grin at his love and Oikawa can feel his heart almost stop at the glimpse of the dimple in Iwa-chan’s cheeks.  It’s the very dimple that’s been causing him grief since middle school.

Oikawa recovers quickly though, humming thoughtfully.  “An alien would certainly be smarter.”

Iwaizumi glares at him and waves the knife he’s cutting vegetables with at Oikawa warily.  “Just because I confessed doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Iwa-chan.” He smiles, noting that this is the most comfortable he’s felt in weeks. 

They chat idly, their banter strewn through the conversation, constantly mentioning their earlier confessions, as though worried the other would somehow forget. 

The conversation dies out as Iwaizumi is putting the finishing touches on something that looks healthy but smells good.  Oikawa gives a little sigh, slightly jealous at how good of a cook the other boy was.  The past few nights had been instant pasta and rice for him and he hadn’t realized how much he’d missed home cooked food.

They ate in the living room, slightly curled next to each other, quietly watching television.

“Thanks for the food, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa mutters.

Iwaizumi nods, swallowing a bite of his own meal.  “Any time.  I know you don’t really get good food when your dad isn’t around.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa smiled, almost nervously, rubbing his neck a little.

“I can come over and help you cook more, if you want.” Iwaizumi reaches for his hand, places his on top.

Oikawa feels a large lump crawling up his throat.  He nods.  “Okay.”

Iwaizumi sighs, putting his plate on the coffee table in front of them.  “You really don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, but,” He pauses and squeezes Oikawa’s hand.  “I know something’s wrong.  You don’t have to pretend with me.  I’ve known you too long.  Just don’t push me away.”

Oikawa is quiet for a long moment.  He takes a deep breath.  “I think I’m depressed, Iwa-chan.” His voice is quiet, scared.  “I-I know I’m depressed.  It’s like last time, but not angry.  This time I know I’m not good enough and no amount of practice will fix that.  I’m trying, and I guess that makes me angry, but I know I’m disappointing my mom, disappointing coach, you, the team.  And I’m- I’m just tired.  I don’t know what to do anymore, what to try.  I don’t want to try.  I’m so frustrated with myself, but also frustrated because I’m not frustrated, and I know that makes no sense.  My brain makes no sense and I’m sick of it.”

By the end of his rant, Oikawa is shaking, crying again.  Iwaizumi has shifted closer to hold him, and pulls him against his chest, rubbing at his back.

“You should see a doctor,” Iwaizumi suggests gently after a moment.  “You were okay when you were on those pills, right?”

“I don’t want to be dependent on them, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa inhales a shuddering breath.  “I don’t want to be fucking crazy.  Mom said that I was weak when I took them, that I didn’t actually need them.”

“With all due respect, fuck your mom.” Iwaizumi holds Oikawa tighter, almost possessively, protecting him from his unseen mother.  “She’s too hard on you and she doesn’t give a shit about what’s good for you as long as she looks good.”

Oikawa can’t disagree with that, so he gives a small nod.  Oikawa’s mom is a porcelain sculpture.  Her eyes are the same color as her son’s but without any of the warmth.  Iwaizumi remembers spending much of his childhood afraid of the woman who made Oikawa study so hard he fell asleep at his desk.  He remembers being angry their first year of middle school when he found Oikawa hunched over a toilet with red eyes because his mom had told him he was “getting too fat.”  He remembers being livid and crying when Oikawa had suffered his mental breakdown and his mother had dismissed it, judging him with narrowed eyes and pronouncing he was fine and just wanted attention. 

And yet, the woman would parade Oikawa around at social events, brag about her son’s grades, his volleyball prowess, as though it was a reflection of her mothering as opposed to Oikawa’s sheer strength and willpower.

Iwaizumi swallows hard and continues, “Taking pills doesn’t make you ‘crazy.’  There’s nothing wrong with mental illness… I mean you know I’ve been taking Adderall since we were ten.  Does that make me crazy?”

Oikawa stutters a little at that.  “No!  It’s just that it’s different for m-“

“It’s not different, Trashkawa.”

“Hey don’t you think you shouldn’t be calling a depressed person ‘trash,’ Iwa-chan?”

“You know I only do it because I love you.”

“Say it again, Iwa-chan.”

“What?  No, you idiot, we’re talking about your health.”

“Aw, so Iwa-chan was being mean to me…”

“You bastard- I love you.  Now will you schedule a doctor’s appointment?”

“Only if Iwa-chan comes with me, I don’t think I can do it alone.”

“Of course I will.”

Oikawa has shifted on the couch so he and Iwaizumi are lying, Iwa-chan holding him in his arms.  “Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

“You believe it now, right?  That I love you and I want to help you?” Iwaizumi looks down at him, his brow slightly tensed in concern.

Oikawa gave a long sigh.  “I- I’m trying to believe it.”

“That’s all I can ask for.” Iwa-chan smiles.

“You know what might help convince me, though?” Oikawa gives Iwaizumi a little smirk, his eyes gleaming with what might be a shadow of his old mischievousness.

“Hm?”

“If you kissed me.”  His grin stretches wider, Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “Maybe then I’d-“

He’s cut off by Iwaizumi leaning down and kissing him, a chaste kiss that’s somehow one Oikawa should have expected of Iwa-chan- rough at first, stealing all his breath away, then gentle, sweet, only hesitantly parting from his lips.

Oikawa’s sure his cheeks are just as red, if not redder than Iwaizumi’s are, as the other avoids his eyes and rubs his neck.

“Are you happy now, Shittykawa?”

“I’m on my way there,” Oikawa says as he pulls Iwaizumi back for another kiss.

* * *

Love doesn’t cure depression.

Oikawa knows this, but it’s still disappointing when he wakes up the next day and still kind of feels like shit.  He has to go to school today, which would have been impossible in yesterday’s state, but he feels like he can do it today if it means he gets to see Iwa-chan’s face.  It’s something.

He still struggles, and he tries not to call Iwaizumi about it.  But Iwaizumi noticed, and takes to calling Oikawa every night, regardless if they had already hung out, and asks him how he’s feeling.  At first Oikawa was annoyed, thought Iwaizumi was trying to mother him, but it becomes a habit, and Iwaizumi talks about his day too, so it’s not so much a therapy session as it is a conversation.

A few weeks later though, and Oikawa still hasn’t called his doctor.  Iwaizumi pesters him about it, and they’ve snapped at each other at least a couple times at practice over it.  At practice, though, Oikawa always manages to leave it unresolved, since there are other people around.  This time, on a weekend, the fight had started and Oikawa was backed into a corner.

“Why?” Iwaizumi asked, pacing the room.  It was driving Oikawa nuts.  “Why won’t you call?”

“Because they won’t think I’m crazy enough for pills,” Oikawa rolled his eyes from where he sat on the bed, “Or they’ll think I’m too crazy and lock me up!”

“That’s ridiculous.” Iwaizumi shot him a glare.  “And stop saying ‘crazy.’  You’re not crazy, you’re mentally ill.”

Oikawa pouted.  “Look, all I’m saying is that it’s a lot of effort for something that can go away on its own.”

“Oh yeah?  How’ve you been feeling lately?”

_Lie lie lie lie._

Oikawa avoided his gaze.  “Better, kinda.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fine, I don’t want to tell my mom, okay?” Oikawa glares now.  “My dad won’t be back for another two weeks and my mom is just going to dismiss me.”

“Oh for fucks’ sake- if you won’t tell your mom, I will.” Iwaizumi paused in his pacing.

“I… I don’t know if I could do it even then.” Oikawa fidgeted.  “You know my mom scares the shit out of me.”

“Oikawa, I’m scared that if we don’t get you help you might hurt yourself.”

Oikawa sighs.  “I’m scared too.”

“Come on, your mom’s downstairs.”

Iwaizumi pulls Oikawa off the couch and doesn’t let go of his hand, almost dragging him downstairs to where his mom was in her study.  Before they knocked on the door, Iwa-chan glanced at Oikawa, noting the scared look in his eyes.  He took Oikawa’s face in his hands and kissed him quick and reassuring.

“You can do this.” Iwaizumi gives him a determined look, the one he saves for volleyball games, and squeezes Oikawa’s hand.  Oikawa blinks and nods, some of that strength entering his eyes, though his hand shook as he knocked on the study door.

* * *

A month or two later, Oikawa seemed better.  The pills were finally doing their job, and final exams at school were over.  The pair had convinced Oikawa’s mom to let him go see a doctor, although it took a lot of work.  The doctor confirmed he was indeed depressed and placed him on a serotonin based medication.

It took more work to get Oikawa’s mom to lift Iwaizumi’s ban from the family house, as she also hadn’t approved of the two as a couple- rather, Oikawa being gay.  But with some help from Iwaizumi’s mother, they not only made her see reason, but got her blessing for the two to live together at college.

It was graduation day, and Oikawa was crying as he ran toward Iwaizumi, but he was smiling too.  He jumped into the boy’s arms with a loud, “Iwa-chan!”

“God, you’re noisy.” Iwaizumi huffed, catching Oikawa in a hug, but he was also grinning. 

“We did it, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa nuzzled his wet face into Iwaizumi’s neck.

“If you don’t get off me we’ll never hear the end of it from Makki and Mattsun.” Iwaizumi groaned.  “But, yeah, I guess we did it.”

“I love you, Iwa-chan.”

“I love you too.”

At one point, Oikawa Tooru didn’t think he was going to make it to his high school graduation.  He’s glad he was wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> There's now a sequel to this called [ "a fighting chance." ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8060896)
> 
> it takes place after college and continues Oikawa's mental health journey.


End file.
